Sometimes it can be difficult to determine if serious problems exist in your marriage or relationships. There are three tips to determine if you have serious relationship or marriage problems. Don't assume no red flags There might not be any red flags, arguments, or typical indicators that you can see. There has to be mutual and honest communication to really determine whether serious relationship or marriage problems exist. Communication is a process is which messages are share. There are senders and receivers. Therefore each partner has to register the same message at the same intensity for a serious problem to be noted. It is common for messages to be declined or minimized. For example, imagine a partner saying, "I'm not satisfied in the relationship"or "I think our marriage can be more". A minimizing response might be, "Oh things are not that bad compared to some relationship". A healthy response would be to explore the dissatisfaction without any antidotes quite yet. 2. Use simple scaling Get a feel for how intense problems are. Are great way to determine the intensity is to scale the intensity form 1-10 ( where 1= the relationship is not problematic at all o 10= the relationship is extremely problematic ); which means a higher ratings equates to perceptions of more serious problems. What happens when couples respond differently? I say consider the higher number. 3. Respond appropriately Assume things are as they are being perceived. Remember denial or minimization could mean that no or not enough effort is put into the solution finding process...and thereby possibly leaving the less satisfied person to find ways to quietly (or maybe not so quietly) exit the relationship. Just like you car has gauges to help you determine when something needs checking...use scaling to help check where things are in your relationships.

1. Check Your Self Check with yourself first whenever you are experiencing relationship problems or what you think are relationship problems. Typically the first initial response to problems is key. Sometimes couples have knee jerk reactions to call family and friends to vent. We all need support; however, think about how venting to family or friends might complicate matters. Venting typically forces family and friends to side with either the relationship, you, or your partner(s). If you are in a crises, call for help immediately. Instead, jot down what you believe is happening for about 5-10 minutes. determine the type of characteristics you hold at your core. 2. Check with Your Parts Next, check with your parts or system. Notice other reactions or lack of reactions to what was written. Does anything surprise you? Does anything anger or sadden you? How much do you understand abut your own response or contributions to the problem? Try to hold space for all parts or emotions. Notice if you feel torn or stuck. Take a few deep breaths. Think about what you need to give yourself in the moment to feel present and less overwhelmed by relationship issues. Completing check-in 2 might allow you to see that the problem is the problem and not necessarily any one person. 3. Check with Others At this point, you have checked with yourself and your parts. You might want additional support. I recommend checking in with a professional to keep from pulling family and friends into relationship struggles. However, they may be your only option. When checking in, focus on yourself. Express emotions, parts, and questions that came up related to you. Let the person listening know how they can support you. For example, do you want advice, words of encouragement, of for them to just listen. After you are done, check in with the listener to see how they are doing. So often we share without considering how listeners are impacted. Try this triple check next time your experience marriage or relationship problems.